Liquor stores and elementary schools

DISCLAIMER: This blog post is primarily comedy/satire and serves as mostly to point out things that we may be blind to based on preconceived notions. I feel that to-be-mentioned undeveloped land will probably not be an elementary school or liquor store

I was pretty depressed recently to see an elementary school so far south of town in what was until relatively recently, a rural area.

And given there is undeveloped land nearby, I sometimes wonder if they'll place an elementary school near me. Alternatively, it could be another outpost of a liquor store, which thrive because grocery stores cannot legally sell liquor without a special license that forbids under 21s from going in (some allow them to be accompanied by parents, some ban them outright). And we all know that liquor stores and elementary schools cannot be near each other.

Here's how it's better to have a liquor store near you than an elementary school.

1. Elementary schools generate a ton of traffic both in the morning and the afternoon, and parents often do rude things on the road to get their Special Snowflake to school on time. Believe me, I've seen it. And unless the school is really small or it's near stoplight-controlled intersections, it might back up for at least a half a mile.

2. You'll never be able to utilize an elementary school. Unless you have a child that fits in that spectrum, locally, it's K through 4, it's just dead weight. Conversely, a liquor store you COULD use, and unless it's small and seedy, you can find gourmet food there. At the very least, you could use it for cooking your own gourmet food (the ones that require high proof alcohol, and usually trace amounts at that).

3. You'll have to keep moving if it's an elementary school. For example, unless you're inebriated or under 21, a liquor store is okay to browse in or even look as you go by. You can window-shop to see if they have a tasty microbrew, or just admire the beer signs they have up. An elementary school on the other hand, if you idly watch kids in the playground, even if you have no bad intentions, and one of the "guard teachers" notices you, congratulations! You may have just earned your description in the local news, and now the police looking for a "potential pedophile".

4. Near schools, you'll probably run into a School Zone, even if you aren't near traffic. This isn't bad when it's local traffic, but if it's a large road, then expect to get knocked down at least 10 miles per hour, if 15. And because these things are on a timer, not when anyone is active, the thing just blinks all day (sometimes even on holidays), causing frustration to innocent drivers like you. Why? It's For The Children, of course! And, if you're unlucky enough to live near it, you'll be running into School Zones and parents, every weekday except for the summers.

5. The authorities are in the wrong place. In larger liquor stores, usually there's someone at the door to check IDs, to see if that guy with peach fuzz is just a kid or a 21+ customer who can't grow a beard yet. That same guard, while not a police officer, will probably make sure Joe the Homeless Alcoholic doesn't panhandle customers, because they've got a business to run. Alternatively, in elementary schools, they have real police officers inside, but it's usually Officer Friendly teaching kids to not to do drugs (in some cloying, condescending way that probably does more harm than it helps). Meanwhile, when teachers leave to go home (usually late at night), there's probably not a security camera, much less a uniformed officer, to prevent teachers from getting robbed (my 4th grade teacher was robbed in the faculty parking lot).


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Of course, for a community as a whole, elementary schools are far more beneficial (and not all liquor stores are created equal...), but in the short-term, it's a bit of a toss-up.